Got Money, and you know it.

Friday is payday.


yes.



Today I worked all day, and i actually have like approximately 48 minutes left. Thank fucking god.
I almost fell asleep in front of my computer.

These past few days have been pretty good.
I actually WENT TO CLASS.
and spoke with my teachers, and got out of bed and walked into the daylight.
and i only drank once this week.
yay.


but tonight the shitfest begins.
Im going to TUCSONN (what?)
for mariels birthday PARTAY.
i cant wait.
im kind of really excited.
so yea.


The other night i got really drunk when people from tucson came, and went back to cholla to find samantha at the front desk in the lobby, and I insisted we play twister. But i was the only one who wanted to. You can only play by yourself when your drunk.

Mardi Gras

So for Mardi Gras the girls and I went to Cherry Lounge on Mill Avenue.
That was probably one of the most outrageous nights ive had in my life from beginning to end.

1. We went to a frat party and I met two freshman girls only because I wanted a cigarette.
2. We got into the club and saw austin, colin, and greg (like what?)
3. Some random guy came up to me and started grinding up on me.
4. Gaby was my life saver getting the creepies away.
5. I ran into my best friends aka the two girls I met earlier that evening at the frat
6. I got up and danced on the pole with them (LIKEWHAT?)
7. Outside on mill while waiting to get into the club I wanted another cigarette, and i figured alot of taxi drivers smoke them, so I went up to one and like a miracle from god he had a pack of fucking MARLBOROLIGHTS on this dashboard <3 so i pursued.
8. Then inside when we went to the bathroom, they had an assortment of cigarettes, condoms, gum, lollipops, and god knows what the fuck else there was
9. Then i was looking for cigarettes in the packs in the bathroom and the bathroom attendant (which i didnt know they would have one) tried selling me cigs from her locker? but I said no cause I thought she was trying to sell me drugs.
10. We leave the club and the dunkin donuts guy was just chillin outside his store, but his store was closed (?)
11. I asked him for water and he said he couldnt give me any, but he could get us free donuts. and i was like wtf.
12. but then he gave me water :)
13 THEN we walked to jennas house taking numerous pictures as we walked on the railroad tracks.
14. Then i started calling people to pick me and gaby up from jennas house hahaha
15. THENWE waited to get picked up by a cab, with which we had an interesting conversation.
16. AND THEN FINALLY WE WENT BACK HOME. and then i was like fuck i have an exam tomorrow.

(and this morning i woke up and my nails were neon pink?)

:)















Thank You jenna for taking peeectures.

And I begin to fade into our secret place.

I spent 48392482948 hours at the mu today
and made a music video.
andddd thats basically fucking it.

oh and i saw miss counselor and ive come to the conclusion that I need some kind of "epiphany"
or else miss driz is going to disappear.
which would be oh, so, tragic.
right?


right.


i need to ask them* something
but i dont know what to say
im not trying to make a big deal about
the situation
but i just want to know some facts.
real?
not?
temporary?
scared?
lonely?
confused?

i was just kind of left hanging,
and i still am now.
its fun to think it,
but i want to know if it is going to happen again.

it replays in my head during the day.
and night.
and anyother times.
i need to do something about it
cause its not healthy.


oh and i cant fucking sleep.
what the hell.
im like a bat.
or a vampire.



if you have never seen Nosferatu, you should.
its a classic horror movie.
its a fucking black and white silent movie.
some of the things dont make sense, or are dumb
but production wasnt at its highest during the 20's
you can watch it on google.video for FREE.
right.
FREE.

Drizzle, you makin it rain.

Got Money ft. Lil Wayne (me) and T-PAIN (gaby)

Tatem

Here are some pictures from Goodnow, Dillon, and Alex's band Tatem I took for them at the Marquee Theater On Feb 20th

Hit The Floor

 

Painting by: me

I see you walking home alone, your face is alive and bright

But you can't see how weak you are 'cause I could end it tonight

It's the feeling you get when you think that someone behind is watching you

Well I can tell you now, that someone is me and I'm about to make it right

I creep up from behind, touch your neck, move down your spine

You take a look and breathe so sharp

It's just a matter of time

Don't scream I ask of you, but then you let one out so now it's time to go

I come down on you like a ton of bricks

All over so it's time to go

Why do you take it all?

Why do I beg for more?

I never thought that this is how I'd hit the floor

Why do you take it all?

Why do I beg for more?

I never thought that this is how I'd hit the floor

Hit, the, floor!

Take this for me, I don't wanna hurt you

- BFMV

OH PS.

Take my fucking poll on the bottom of the page to see if people really want to see this or not. 

if not this shit is getting off facebook. 

OKBAI. 

mother fuck.

why. 

whyyyydo you do this. 

or I?

Im like kind of drunk right now. 

well ok.... I wouldnt say drunk BUT..

greatttt. 

fuck you blehhhfdkajs. 

ahh. 

I had alot of fun to night

thats all i have to say. 

OKGOOODNIGHT :)

Ok so i came back to like post something but i fucking forgot what to say. 

hmm. 

i love how i come to THIS when im drinking

hahahahaa.

when will my life get better?

Im scared. 

OKBAI. 

for reals. 

Facebook

So what I found out today was that I can import/export my blog to my facebook. 

So this is why I have 48329849284298394 notes on facebook. 

if you want to go to the real blog, its http://shellyxcpgator2.blogspot.com

Well look at you.

Photos of the day. 

I really just want to dance drink sing party mingle dress up smoke and thats it. 

Now go ahead and yell at me. 

Im at work. once again.

So yesterday i calmed down and went home. Where everyone was gone and it was just me and lady. Nothing at that time phased me, my teachers, the homework I didnt do, the people im trying to see/not see, all my worries kind of just went away and I loved it. 

But now im here. at work. 

since 8am. 

Its not bad. I dont hate it here. OBVOUSLY.

I fucking go to work more than I go to school. 

I dont know what im going to do about all that school stuff. 

cause im kind of FUCKED. 

Anyways, I cant really explain how i feel. I feel like a BLEH. like a bleh with good things and bad things and they all just jumble into one and make- Bleh. Its like one minute ill care about something and be like oh may god i have to do that. Then the next second i do something dumb and not care about the important things. 

Thats what im doing. Im trying to avoid the important things. 

For all I know ive got 2391 people walking all over me right now in this vulnerable state. 

But just remember,    fuck you. 

I painted this the other day, while I didnt go to school. Its kind of ironic, because of what happened... Which will remain unsaid for the time being. But lets just say, i was a little disturbed. Anyways, this means "losing control" in Japanese. Which was exactly how I felt this past week. 

So my mom just texted me, " your back on track now".

Lets not jinx this ok?

Tonight im taking photos for goodnow's band Tatem show. They are headlining at the marquee. So it should be exciting. 

But i better get a drink first. 

Shit.

This is probably the lowest ive ever felt. 

This is fucking horrible. 

I feel out of control. literally. 

i dont know what to do. 

i hope going home helps. 

i cant stop crying.

make it stop. 

please just make it all stop. 

I want to be happy again I cant believe this is happening. 

I cant trust anyone. 

and here I am exposing myself. 

who the fuck am I right now?

I cut my hair.

アンドレアコントロールを失いつつある

Every day just gets worse and worse. 

Im at the point where I dont even want to go outside this room. 

I dont know what to do. 

Im scared. 

Really scared. 

Its such a hassle to deal with this. 

My teachers probably hate me. 

Im probably failing already. 

I dont know what to goddamnfuckingdo. 

I feel blurred. 

Like i really dont know whats going on, 

and nothing affects me. 

I need help like really. 

You dont know what im going through in my head. 

With this new frame of mind, a thousand flowers could bloom.

These past two weeks have completely turned a 360 compared to the beginning of school. 

Like one extreme to another. 

I started out 

so well. 

Went all the time. 

Felt AMAZING 

and that my whole life had turned right side up finally. 

And now, its back to how things were. 

Sleeping

Eating

fucking around

being useless

having no motivation at all. 

What the FUCK is going on. 

So went to the doctor today. 

And I know why all this was happening. 

merely a simple mistake that I was making

and didnt really think it was a big deal. 

But apparently it is. 

Cause as of now

I feel like shit. 

I need to remind myself to take them. 

I keep forgetting. 

They make me sick. 

like, puke. 

But i guess thats what the cause of ALL MY PROBLEMS IS. 

and i need to get back on track. 

Help me please. ok thanks. 

oh, and my family ok thanks. 

I'm sorry to remind you, but im scared of what we're creating.

This weekend was tough for me. Although I did enjoy it. 

I had finished making these two pieces of drawings which should originally come together as one, but when I did put them together they looked kind of strange. I am going to post it soon to my deviantart page.  But I realized that the art I made kind of reflects what im going through right now in my life, and I find that my days are inspiration for art. 

 

One letter sized page is of a drawing of a woman of half her face, one eye. Beautiful big eye and red flowers decorating her dark wavy and long hair. Then I made the other half of the face, but of a woman with curlers in her hair,  heavy make up on her other eye, smoking a cigarette with smoke in the shape of a heart. 

I think what I was trying to get at this was not that the girl has two sides, but shes completely changed into a different person. The first half of the woman represents the beginning of her life or the first stage of her life, where she was merely a beautiful innocent girl who would do anything for anyone and just wanted to make everyone happy. The second page is after the woman has gone through experience and she has realized that shes never going to get anywhere like that in life and she would only be making other people happy instead of herself. So now she has become this independent person who decides what she wants when she wants, and she wants love. 

This is most definately what Im going through right now. 

I dont want a relationship and they dont understand me. 

I felt as though I was dealing with women kind of. 

I became uncomfortable. 

I didnt really like it. 

Ive obviously changed the way I view relationships for MYSELF 

Because of all the bullshit I had been through the past years. 

And I cant do that to myself anymore. 

So you need to understand.

I do what I want, when I want. 

Dont pretend like you know me so well

That Ill finally be happy. 

Im not ready. 

A dios le pido

Im playing their game.

Two at a time is tough
I thought it was easier than this.
How do you guys do it.

But its better than sticking to only one foundation.
Although I have already made up my mind.

I can already choose who it is.
But your still there.
Lingering.
Thinking that I still want to be apart of this thing
That we made up.


Sneaking around,
and creating this mold that will be hard to break
But I have to.

I know I denied before.
But ive made up my mind, i think
Its this weird strong feeling.
that I have

and I think its you?



Life is too fucking confusing

And I have just enclosed myself in a box and I dont know how to get out.


Just understand.
and help me.

The Office.

Remind me to never drink the night before I have to work at 8am

Im waiting oh so patiently for the hours to go until I am released from this desk

decorated with paper clips, phones, paper, and sticky notes. 

Such a pretty sight. 

NOT.

this is fucking horrible. 

Anyways, this weekend should be pretty interesting. 

Tomorrow I am showing at this event called Cafe Cultura, and I have YET to find a piece/put it together for the show. I have an idea to take these ph

otos and stick them onto a canvas and paint around them. Since the show is sponsored by MECHA I figured to go with a theme and use the photos I took in East LA. 

But WHOOO knows we will see. 

Today im gonna have fun. 

Ok great bai. 

<3

Reality Check

Im really bad at updating this. 

But things are going extremely well for me as opposed to a couple of months ago.

I feel so much better. 

Like im actually enjoying life. 

I look back and see how much I took for granted, especially my family. 

I love home now. 

We have an understanding. 

I feel at peace finally. 

I never thought this would come to me and im so glad I took care of things before it all got worse. Cause it was getting there. 

Im beginning to be even MORE of my own person. 

Doing what I want to do. 

And not caring about other people. 

Well.. you know what I mean.

And Im just getting started.