With this new frame of mind, a thousand flowers could bloom.

These past two weeks have completely turned a 360 compared to the beginning of school. 

Like one extreme to another. 

I started out 

so well. 

Went all the time. 

Felt AMAZING 

and that my whole life had turned right side up finally. 

And now, its back to how things were. 

Sleeping

Eating

fucking around

being useless

having no motivation at all. 

What the FUCK is going on. 

So went to the doctor today. 

And I know why all this was happening. 

merely a simple mistake that I was making

and didnt really think it was a big deal. 

But apparently it is. 

Cause as of now

I feel like shit. 

I need to remind myself to take them. 

I keep forgetting. 

They make me sick. 

like, puke. 

But i guess thats what the cause of ALL MY PROBLEMS IS. 

and i need to get back on track. 

Help me please. ok thanks. 

oh, and my family ok thanks. 

I'm sorry to remind you, but im scared of what we're creating.

This weekend was tough for me. Although I did enjoy it. 

I had finished making these two pieces of drawings which should originally come together as one, but when I did put them together they looked kind of strange. I am going to post it soon to my deviantart page.  But I realized that the art I made kind of reflects what im going through right now in my life, and I find that my days are inspiration for art. 

 

One letter sized page is of a drawing of a woman of half her face, one eye. Beautiful big eye and red flowers decorating her dark wavy and long hair. Then I made the other half of the face, but of a woman with curlers in her hair,  heavy make up on her other eye, smoking a cigarette with smoke in the shape of a heart. 

I think what I was trying to get at this was not that the girl has two sides, but shes completely changed into a different person. The first half of the woman represents the beginning of her life or the first stage of her life, where she was merely a beautiful innocent girl who would do anything for anyone and just wanted to make everyone happy. The second page is after the woman has gone through experience and she has realized that shes never going to get anywhere like that in life and she would only be making other people happy instead of herself. So now she has become this independent person who decides what she wants when she wants, and she wants love. 

This is most definately what Im going through right now. 

I dont want a relationship and they dont understand me. 

I felt as though I was dealing with women kind of. 

I became uncomfortable. 

I didnt really like it. 

Ive obviously changed the way I view relationships for MYSELF 

Because of all the bullshit I had been through the past years. 

And I cant do that to myself anymore. 

So you need to understand.

I do what I want, when I want. 

Dont pretend like you know me so well

That Ill finally be happy. 

Im not ready. 

A dios le pido

Im playing their game.

Two at a time is tough
I thought it was easier than this.
How do you guys do it.

But its better than sticking to only one foundation.
Although I have already made up my mind.

I can already choose who it is.
But your still there.
Lingering.
Thinking that I still want to be apart of this thing
That we made up.


Sneaking around,
and creating this mold that will be hard to break
But I have to.

I know I denied before.
But ive made up my mind, i think
Its this weird strong feeling.
that I have

and I think its you?



Life is too fucking confusing

And I have just enclosed myself in a box and I dont know how to get out.


Just understand.
and help me.

The Office.

Remind me to never drink the night before I have to work at 8am

Im waiting oh so patiently for the hours to go until I am released from this desk

decorated with paper clips, phones, paper, and sticky notes. 

Such a pretty sight. 

NOT.

this is fucking horrible. 

Anyways, this weekend should be pretty interesting. 

Tomorrow I am showing at this event called Cafe Cultura, and I have YET to find a piece/put it together for the show. I have an idea to take these ph

otos and stick them onto a canvas and paint around them. Since the show is sponsored by MECHA I figured to go with a theme and use the photos I took in East LA. 

But WHOOO knows we will see. 

Today im gonna have fun. 

Ok great bai. 

<3

Reality Check

Im really bad at updating this. 

But things are going extremely well for me as opposed to a couple of months ago.

I feel so much better. 

Like im actually enjoying life. 

I look back and see how much I took for granted, especially my family. 

I love home now. 

We have an understanding. 

I feel at peace finally. 

I never thought this would come to me and im so glad I took care of things before it all got worse. Cause it was getting there. 

Im beginning to be even MORE of my own person. 

Doing what I want to do. 

And not caring about other people. 

Well.. you know what I mean.

And Im just getting started. 

Need Support?

I havent been writing in here at all.


and its about time i begin to.
again.


For the longest time ive been hiding in my own control over things that dont really matter, cause i realized that I had no control over my own life and the decisions I had been making. They were always based on them and making sure they were happy. And that became the root of my problems for years now.


Everytime i talk to the counselor i feel like a release.
I love it.
I tell her anything I want and she supports me.
i need support.
that is what I need.
maybe thats why I always moved too fast?
feeling like I was receiving support and love from them.
But in the end it was fake.
and they are all decieving.



Ive changed now in my moods and reactions.
but its only temporary.
im like in sort of a transition period.
like a standstill almost.
a waiting game for it all to kick in and make me better again.



I want a change for reals now.
i need to be stronger.



I fucking need to be stronger.

Quick Impulse.

Ive had it to ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->


here. with basically everything.







and none of you know it.












goddamnit.
fuckyou
im so done.
let me go now please.
okgreat.