Fantastick

Today I slept all day. 

And if it werent for me having to pick up my brother from school I would probably just barely wake up right now (its 11 pm)

So finally I have all my school shit together and I am registering for classes for fall. All of them are design classes, and so far I am signed up for three, and two are online. BALLIN. So Im barely going to have to go to actual class. Thank god for online classes. I wish I could just do everything online, but I guess Id end up with an online degree. no thanks. Im not living in tempe for NOTHING. UGH tempe. 

So I signed up for Rio Salado online geography class, the whole thing lecture and lab is online. Im kind of scared, but Im taking it next month so at least ill have one class to worry about. Of course I leave the only two general requirements till the end, and they are both science. Really? Its just not for me and I hope i dont fail it.

Yesterday I went to the college of design to declare my major for the THIRD time, which will be design studies and im sticking to it. Last year I realized that communications is shit and I really dont wanna do it. I mean, I learned alot dont get me wrong, but not for a bachelors degree. Everything I learned in a years worth of communication was based on common sense and not actually learning and attending class. So I went to the design college and now I am going back to design :) I am now for sure what I want to do for the rest of my life. I dont really see myself doing anything else but art and design. Thats how badly I want it. And it took me about three years to realize what I really want to do, just because I was forced to choose a job when I was a senior. And because of that I wasted two years. So fuck that. If you dont know what you wanna do yet, its ok. Cause it will just come to you. We are still young. At least we are still in school. I read an article that moms (like ages 40 and up) are going back to school. So that makes me feel good just knowing that im 19 and im almost done with what they are about to begin, and to get a degree.

fdskfjkalfkdjlsad

ok bye. 

Ay, Chico.

Last night I partied with Mariel and Kassie and it was INTERESTING to say the least. I think they would both agree with me too. 

Anyways, so I come home this morning, kind of hungover and really tired and my parents are like... we are going to CHURCH. And first thing in my head was UGH I really need to sleep right now. But then my moms like, we are going to the 1:00 mass= the spanish mass. 

If you dont by now know, catholic mexicans are HARDCORE catholic and religious and bring their whole family and extended families to church, like christmas time. You have to make sure you get there on time (which in this case no one gets there on time) and the church packs up 1/4 of the way through the mass. So im like mother fuck. First of all I hate going to church and second I dont even understand half of it so its ridiculously pointless for me to do so. But. I go anyways. 

Church is PACKED. And the mass was going to begin. All of a sudden, a band plays with accordians, guitars, and drums playing an upbeat song and everyone in the church starts clapping. I was like ??? what is going on here? Everyone was so happy to be there and like it was one big party minus the tequila. So during the mass, the priest is flapping across the altar talking about the gospel in spanish, but I really wished I knew what he was saying cause he looked so enthusiastic and so true to what he was saying, Ive never heard a priest like that, so dedicated to what they were saying to all of these people who truley believe every word he is saying. The only downfall of trying to hear during the mass was all the babies were CRYING and screaming and yelling in spanish and their parents dont take them outside and let them run through the isles and are squirming off the pews to the floor. Pure anarchy. But something about it was exciting to me. And i felt like these people arent just there cause its sunday and you must go to church, but you really dont pay attention and think that by just sitting there and pretending to listen makes you a catholic. 

When the mass was over, I walk outside with my parents and there are TENTS beyond TENTS on the front lawn of St. Francis. Im pretty sure if i ask those of you who go to st. francis mass would FREAK OUT if they saw this. It was a legit "mercado" outside. Selling every kind of mexican food you can think of like tacos burritos rice beans, all kinds of meats, ice creams, EVERYTHING. I had never witnessed such a thing. It was basically Mexico. 

But my whole point to this story is that I came in with a closed mind about coming to the mass, since I myself dont even understand why Im even catholic, but I was just observing the whole time and noticing how these people show real emotion and devotion to their religion, and also how they raise their children to do so also. That is another part also, is that in the mexican culture, the children are probably the most important thing for their community and the future, for their kids to not only go to school and get an education, but to also keep intact their culture and identity and not to lose it living in a dominant white society. 

For myself, obviously going to an all girl private school, living in north phoenix, I have definately lost some of my cultural identity. But now that im older and am in college getting an education I realized, more so today, that I am already an example of the new generation of hispanics which are not only americanized and have more goals, but educated and are willing to give back to the community and I already see that within the circle of friends my dad has made here in arizona of professional and very successful hispanic business people and today I decided that I want to be one of those and make cash money and be successful but also help the kids and families in my community who dont have the resources to do so.

I feel like I just wrote a fucking term paper.

But whatever. 

I hope you read it. 

I was just thinking about this allday. 

And I just had to write it out. 

OKBAI. 

For the tenth time.

I colored my hair again. 

According to the box, its medium auburn. 

I really like it. I think im going to use another box so that it becomes brighter. No? yes?

I'll be ready in two shakes of a lambs tail

Today I saw that movie UP with my brothers. That is the saddest movie pixar has come out with YET. What the fuck? The kid had NO mom, and his dad was never there for him and the old man he went on the adventure with had to go to his wilderness graduation in place of his dad and sit on the curb eating ice cream like how his dad did. That is some kind of fucked up, among other things that went on in the movie, but if you haven't seen it, you should see it for yourself. 

Im working on my portfolio, which was limited to only photographs, but this past week ive been painting like an asian paints nails all day and ive made many a paintings. So now my portfolio has grown from just photographs to pictures, designs from photoshops, and paintings i did on paper and acrylic. Im mostly trying to make some fine ass art to put up in my NEW APARTMENT ill be getting in August. Im so excited. I still have to share a room and a bathroom (motherfuck) but at least it wont be in a shithole dorm and I can stay DURING winter break AND summer. ballin. 

But anyways alot of whats gonna be in my portfolio is on my Deviant Art website.

OMG i just am noticing that fucking Kathy Griffin was an extra in Pulp Fiction WHAT THE FUCK. Thats crazy. 

AHH. This summer is just progressing S L O W L Y but so far I dont have many complaints. So thats good. Im also looking for something to keep me company, if you catch my drift. I feel like my life in itself is a business and im the fucking boss. Ive been back and forth from ASU every goddamn day and the milage on my car is going through the fucking sunroof. Im in meetings constantly with every advisor in the communication AND design schools AND my therapist. AND im playing momma drizzle while my parents are at work and my brothers stay at home and nag me every fucking minute of they day to drive their asses to the park, chuck e cheese, or whatever the fuck little boys do. ugh. 

Im thinking of changing the design of this blog. what do you think? 

Im getting a little tired of it. Maybe then next time you come on to my site (if you even go on my fucking blog instead of reading it on facebook) it will look different and PRETTY and then maybe you'd like me to design your website or blog. . . . hint hint, wink wink :)

RAWR

IM BACK.

So im back from my month long abandoning this blog. 

I have come back from california two weeks ago to only come back to MORE THINGS TO DO. 

Im out of school for the summer thank god. and out of tempe. 

I really cant stand that place anymore. 

Im in search for an apartment over there and from the looks of it ill be getting a pretty good place. So im excited for living somewhere thats NOT A DORM aka cockroach hotel. 

California was very relaxing and I used it to put myself back together and think up of some new goals for myself. I always used to find goals for myself and make sure everything gets done right away and I fulfill those. Well apparently life doesnt go that way. Its taking a while for everything to come together, but I finally have figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. And thats to do design and art. I cant find or see myself doing ANYTHING other than that. Just the thought of me becoming an artist/designer makes me excited. So I think im starting out on the right path. 

So being back in Phoenix is SO BUSY and so many things going on in my life. You can probably say im being a little more selfish, Im trying to do things for myself and just trying to figure out the right places I belong. I cannot waste any time here at ASU anymore like I have been just fucking around and feeling sorry for myself and for everyone else. I would go to my friends alot when I had some hard times cause I LOVE my friends so so much. But I think its time to find out my problems by myself and not with the help of alcohol. I NEED TO STOP DRINKING. Now that im at home and obviously cant parade around like an obliterated mess, I cant believe how much I drank at the dorms and how shitty I felt so many times. I was pretty fucked up and I just really hope not to fall into that anymore. Im sick and tired of high school bullshit and people acting basically like little shits. 

All im trying to say is, Its time for us to all grow up. 

Like seriously. 

We are all fucking juniors COLLEGE. when did that happen? Last I saw myself even barely graduating high school. Time is going by faster than ever and while I hate it, I love it cause I am ready to be where I want to be and thats not wasting my time doing things i dont wanna do. 

Anyways. I got into this stage where I need to wear a belt with everything. 

Its kind of odd. But i like it. 

Im making more art than EVER and cant wait to make more. Thats what I love about summer. I dont have bullshit homework to worry about. 

More tomorrow. The end. 

I must resort to blogger text since im in LA and have horrible internet connection

Andrea's cinco de mayo.

I had a very interesting cinco de mayo.......

- dressed up and wore a sparkly top with a black skirt

- went to cvs to buy TONS of red cups and margarita mix. with my sun dollars. [baller]

- took whiskey shots in the bathroom of mcdonalds. i pregamed at mcdonalds. like what?

- walked to VISTAA

- drank tecate, corona, margaritas, and tequila shots :D

- walked to circle k with esteban, elias and me drunk as fuck. and gaby.

- then walked to TT with esteban and elias holding hands

- esteban freaked out and was laying on the middle of the street. LIKEWHAT?

- went to kappa sig and sat on a bed not knowing what was going on and petting christophes puppy, whos name is DRE. coincidence.

- walked back with the boys to cholla.

- attempted to smoke

- after 3 hours we finally did.

- listened to elias and esteban arguing like a married couple haha

- watched the sunrise.

- slept.

- woke up a few hours later hung over as a mother fuck and had a meeting with my scholarship director!

fml.

but it was so much fun.

yay mexico.

Best believe her, you see her, she gettin paid

Times are tough shit. 

But im just going one day at a time. 

I cant wait till its all over. 

done and over. 

over you. 

Today is cinco de mayo. 

its gonna be a horrorfest. 

i cant wait. 

you call me when you need me

well bitch you cant see me

thought maybe id try it out.

thought i didnt give a fuck

cause youre fineee

now i know you play, see?

well now its my turn. 

try and catch me. 

:)

im just tryna have a smoke break. thats all. 

Motherfuck you

Im in phoenix. at starbucks with my dad. "doing homework"

I cant goddamn concentrate and its really frustrating so hopefully after typing this i will get at least something done. 

I have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO this week and i just want to avoid it. Not to mention 429048923084 other things going on. Life sucks. right now, legitimately. Its like im in a fucking blurrrrrrrrrr and the clearer things get the more blurry I want it to be. 

fuck my life. 

On a weirder note, Im here at starbucks right, and me and my dad are sitting next to where they make your drinks and set them out for you. So then this old white lady goes and gets her drink, and starts telling the guy about "authentic horchata" (mexican rice drink) and where you can find it and which ones are fake with the powder and as i looked up my dad looked at me and was like wtf who is this lady she knows nothing about horchata. shes as white as the drink. 

HAHAH. 

it was pretty funny. 

okbyebitch

While i'm waiting for the lights to change....

Im just gonna be completely frank and honest because im like going hysterical right now I cant help but just STATE THE OBVIOUS of everyones insanity. Not just mine, or yours. EVERYONES. 

Heres the situation, Its the second to last week of schools. Finals, presentations, projects, papers, all of the above one right after the other. Not to mention on the side... drugs, parties, dramas, fights, lovers and haters. This is really all too much for one person to handle, don't you think? I wouldn't doubt it. 

Here I am, dealing with medication, drinking, smoking, failing, not knowing why im here at ASU, basically doing whatever the fuck I want and not realizing the consequences, if im loosing my scholarship, no money, no job, and b_ _ _  worries. So im about to cut my motherfucking head off. But, at the same time, im trying to keep my cool. Its hard, and I might seem like some kind of like crack addict. I can just change moods in a goddamn second and I really hate it. I feel like im taking it out on my friends and I try not to. I love you guysss and if you read this just keep that in mind. 

This week ive probably heard at LEAST one THREE shitty life stories from each and everyone of my friends. Its really sad to hear about everything going on not to mention your own shit going on whether or not people know it. I dont mind people telling me whats going on with their lives. I love hearing stories, cause I can always relate, or always give some advice, but the thing is, I cant even take my own goddamn advice. 

So, this is for EVERYONE who is freaking out, stressing out, on drugs, whatever the fuck it is thats worrying you cause its spreading faster than that motherfucking swine flu, which i much rather have that right now than all this other stuff going on.......

• Its never the end of the world. Things always work out one way or another
• KEEP YOURSELF IN CHECK. 
• Dont make any irrational decisions because you WILL regret them once everything is done with and figured out. 
• You have your whole fucking life ahead of you. 
• Everything doesnt need to be figured out in a second, minute, hour, day, week, month....
• We are young, of course we fuck up. EVERYONE fucks up. 
• Your parents will always love you no matter what grades you get blahblah (or at least I hope they will)
• Your parents are usually right (and i really hate saying that)
• DONT QUIT SCHOOL. even though i wanna fucking leave asu. I dont want to regret it. 
• Sometimes you just have to leave your problems at the door and hang out and enjoy your time with your friends no matter what it is you do
• Breathe. 
• Live day by day. 
• Dont think about the future too much, cause what you predict will most likely happen. 
• be OPTIMISTIC. 
• Just accept what happens and go on with life. 
• Go through one moment at a time, or else you would probably miss out on a lot, tryna think about stupid or useless shit. 
• Most people (parents, teachers, friends) are understanding so dont be scared to tell stories or ask questions. 

This is probably one of the most meaningful and straightforward posts ive written and I hope it helps you guys to know that we are all in a shitty situation somehow someway and that your not lonely and its ok and the world isnt over and i love you guys. I just need to keep all this in mind as much as you guys doo. 

Stop asking me questions, Id hate to see you cry

WELL HAY.

Ive probably gotten worse.
I cant do absolutely anything.

I havent even done any ART.
what the motherfuck.

I might as well be digging a hole for myself.

I seriously do NOT want to go to ASU anymore. I think im done.


DO YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT i DO INSTEAD OF HOMEWORK



yea so shut the fuck up.
somethings wrong with me.

anyways.

I daydream alot more these days about my future. I have definately realized that I am going to just quit school and be a photobooth pro. JUST KIDDING. but really. Im not happy, if anyone has noticed. But i cant really do anything about it now. Im kinda in a STICKY SITUATION HERE........... goddamnit.

why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why

Beep beep bitch I’m so motherfuckin da mu

Starin’ at a mountain like “Bitch i will climb you!”

I stand tall like I’m motherfucking 9′2″

I scream motherfuck you and who ever designed you

And if you think you hot then obviously you were lied to

And we don’t die we multiply and then we come divide you

-lilfuckinwayne

ok?

I finally cut my hair. short. REALLY SHORT

Ive wanted my hair like this for a long long longggg time and so today in my state of mind i decided to just fucking do it. what else could happen? so me and gaby snip snip and now i has haircut.

I really like it. OKTHANKS. bitch.

So here's what it comes down to...

I wish you could all just see further into me. 

cause some of you only know the surface. 

all so quick to judge yet stand by your side like your the only goddamn friend they've got. 

this is so hard for me and im ready to quit and leave. ive skipped them again. and im feeling it. 

its the worst ever. i can make the most irrational decision in a second. and not even think twice about it. you have no fucking idea. 

i dont expect anyone to know anything about me. but dont be so quick to talk shit cause ill know it one way or another. and honestly i dont give a fuck. cause i have worse problems to deal with than you. its not worth my time what i have going on for me right now. 

On the other hand,

i want you to know what i know. 

i put myself in this situation thinking i was going to get further. 

but of course you either dont want to or realize it. 

its really hard. 

i could have easily pushed you away. 

but i dont want to do that. 

what are your intentions?

i dont know what mine are. 

but im pretty sure they are for the wrong reasons. 

and im pretty sure yours are too. 

so i guess i just have to take it how it is?

lets see how long this will last.

cause i might end it soon. 

but thats something that im not choosing to do. 

Im gonna take you to the zoo and feed you to the yaks..

...right after I finish this drink. 

Sally Tomato

I cant sleep and its 5:11 AM. 

I came home around 1:30 and passed out, but I woke up cause our air thermometer was at fucking 90 degrees and I was ready to have a heat stroke. I got up, changed it and tried going to bed. Now i just cleaned everything up, organized my laundry, and am watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Like what?

BLAH. I mostly am probably still awake cause I smoked alot. But i also just started worrying about things here and there, and im just WIDE EYED. 

And I totally forgot I have a goddamn community service project Saturday morning at 8am. Fuck my life. 

I had an interesting day today/the rest of the night... 

Today, I decided to cash my last paycheck from my previous job. I go to the bank and tell the lady to deposit it into my savings account because I need to save that money and my checking account is overdrawn, which I am going to fix another way. So then she did everything blah blah ok bye. I go home and check my bank statement and my fucking checking amount that i owed got less and i had nothing in my savings. that son of a bitch put my check into my checking and not in my savings therefore eating my whole check up. I was so upset likeRAWRbut then i called them and yelled at them and they fixed it thank god. 

SO THEN.... Tonight we went to mikes, the usual to drink and or smoke and hang out. We go to motherfucking Jack in the Box, and in line behind us, there is this guy who is BELLIGERENTLY DRUNK aka OBLITERATED. He gets out of the car, goes over to the drive thru speaker and moons them, cause I guess theres a camera when you talk to them. So here he is flashing the whole goddamn place and his friends are in the car just laughing about it. Mind you, that he was probably in his mid to late THIRTIES. He then goes to the other cars infront of him, which was one behind us, and then us. So he starts dancing in front of the car behind us and we are fucking laughing so hard, then he turns around and sees us, and he comes creepin up and like tries to talk to us through the window. at that point it was kind of scary creepy. so then the guy goes back and all of a sudden i hear jenna laughing SO HARD and the guy fucking fell in the bush by the drive thru. It was so funny holy shit and he couldnt get up and he was just chillin there for a few minutes, until his friend came and got him. That was the highlight for the rest of the semester. I love drunk people. 

Today was an interesting day. 

Now its 6:20 am. 

I might go to mcdonalds. 

If i make it there alive. 

fuck my life.

where are you and when are you gonna come to me. 

i think im blind. 

but things happen the way they should be. 

我要你与我

Ive been internet crazy the past two days. Like legit nerd status [creep stylin] 

BLAHHHHH. Im really confused about my current situation aka being at ASU and not giving a fuck. I feel guilty all the time but I cant get myself to even fucking CHECK blackboard cause I know im behind and I dont want to accept it. fuck my motherfucking life. 

Today I was walking to school and these two girls were walking in front of me. Then all of a sudden a fucking BEE came and landed on one of the girls shirts and i was like freaking out and they were walking too fast or else i would have told her something and the bee fucking crawled into her hair hahahah :/ I feel bad. 

ILL BE BACK. 

okback. 

My night consisted of eating McDonalds [large] fries and eating a vanilla ice cream cone with gaby, walking to circle k to only discover that they dont cash checks, walking back to cholla in hurricane force winds, and sitting outside enjoying a cigarette on the balcony while my suitemate's brother was talking about how he had nothing nice and called her a bitch  in her video. I would say this is a pretty good night. 

I had a very interesting conversation with one of my really good friends about life. 

Cherish every day with whoever you're with, cause you never know whats gonna happen in a SECOND. Never live with regrets and it doesnt hurt to try something thats been on your mind. after going through hell a few months ago i realized that you can make one irrational decision and your whole life will be, in my case, vanished. its pretty scary, and i just wish that everyone will just calm down and take a look around and be happy that you are with people who loff you and will be there for you. leave the shit at the door, thats for another day. we are so fucking young and have YET our whole entire lives ahead of us. and we shouldnt live our youth in sadness, depression, and regrets. cause at this point in our lives, its a motherfucking party. 

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Happy Easters

happy easterss

I think spending alot of time with my family made me realize i really need to stop and think about what im doing as far as school goes. Im not scared but i know that im not gonna go anywhere and im just gonna fuck my self even worse. 

Today was so nice with my family. There was a point while we were at breakfast that I just got so emotional and i almost wanted to cry. like what? i dont know. 

and then i played with LADY my puppy and she misses me alot and I can tell. lady is like my everything and if anything happens to her i would probably die. the end. 

Never again.

this is me the next morning, hungover, and still a little drunk, talking on the phone to see what happened last night cause i mother fucking blacked out. FML.  

tequila+jager+vodka+beer=a fucking good time but with consequences. 

Sertraline Withdrawl.

Its like..... feeling like your on top of the world.
and then all of a sudden an earthquake hits.
then whatever you were standing on crumbles from underneath you.
but you survive.
and then you feel like you shouldn't have.
twitchirritationannoyingyellingscreamingsittinginacornercryingnotgivingonefuck.
its scary.

I read this article in ELLE. And i thought i would like to share it with you. I admire people who are brave enough to wear whatever they fuck they want and not give a shit. however. the number one thing EVER is that you have to pull it off. plain and simple as that. So im sitting at the MU watching people walk along, and I find that ASU is flourishing in the fashion department. People dress up to go to class. and i feel like some go to class in what they partied and got wasted in the night before. there are so many different styles everywhere. but sometimes, bitches cant always pull it off. im not trying to be judgemental or anything. props to them, but its just funny cause sometimes you can tell what kind of person they are by how they dress, or try to dress. theres those who are very independent and dont give a fuck and have other priorities in life [full props], those who want attention and have their shit hanging out [no props], those who are really really trying :(, and those who like to explore and use school to try different things, colors, patterns, ect. This was just a thought i had in mind. 

OK IM READY TO GET WASTED. goodbye.